Saturday, October 25, 2008

How to recapture trust?

No this is not a "how to" post. This is a plea...........I have recently been thinking a lot about this. A LOT! When trust is broken, how do you recover it? Can you get back what you broke? Once you are untrustworthy are you always untrustworthy in the eyes of the person whose trust you broke? Do you let friendships go over trust issues? Spouses? What about children? How do you earn trust? How do you give trust? If you took time to read this, please take time to leave your thoughts. I really need to hear them.

Disclaimer: At the Rocket Scientists request, I am stating that this post has nothing to do with my marriage. We can't have you all thinking he is anything other than the Mr. Incredible he is.

11 comments:

Nancy said...

Hmmm, that is a tricky Q. I hope some smart folks leave their replies so I can read them. . . . and yes, I am glad you aren't asking how to reestablish trust after you and/or your spouse have just had an affair!!

So, I'm thinking that the person who has been untrustworthy must definitely do all they can to reestablish trust -- perhaps be even more over the top in being counted on to do what they say, be where they say, etc. than the rest of us do. Still, ultimately I imagine it still goes back to those of us doing the trusting -- kind of like forgiving. I think the decision to trust that person again is probably a difficult one that you personally would have to decide you can give. For example, if one of my kids have done something they know they aren't supposed to, I certainly remain skeptical and watchful until I feel confident myself they are once again trustworthy in that area (and it may be that they could or should have been trusted much earlier -- it is just I have to get there).

ANyway, like I know anything!

Jenn said...

Hahaha! I have never done anything to break someone's trust as far as I know, but I have had it done to me and nope I'm mean and once you hurt me ...I Do Not Forgive !

Wep said...

It's one of the hardest things to do. To forgive you truly have to forget. Short of amnesia I'm not sure there is a solution.

Dawn said...

It's hard for me to recapture trust with friends. I've done it, but the friendship doesn't ever seem to be on the same level afterwards. In most cases, I would probably let the friendship go. With kids, that is just part of parenting and learning, so yes, trust will always be recaptured with some effort. A spouse - as long as it wasn't cheating, I could recapture the trust, I think.

Jen said...

I believe that trust can be reestablished but is really depends on the relationship before the trust was broken and its going to take time, lots and lots of time. Its something that can not be rushed.
My sister and I went through I time where I lost my trust in her. But we are sisters and that bond runs deep so we were able to develop a relationship again that now includes trusting each other.

I don't wanna grow up...you can't make me said...

Just shoot 'em...it's easier to forgive when you're spending all the insurance money

Squirty Wart said...

Time... and future actions... the only way. Added with proving worthiness of being trusted; by never come near to even appearing to head in the direction of actions to break the trust... If it even slightly appears that there is a chance that something is being "hidden", the trust will never come...

Linda said...

I've read the comments, and I'm with them. Once it's broken, I have a hard time taking the relationship to where it was. I can forgive, but I remain skeptical and on my guard after that. It's happened to me a lot. My relationships are fine, but I am so guarded. Sometimes walls keep you safe. I wish I could forget, but my brain won't let me. I hope that forgiveness comes in the next life - I mean the forgetting part.

carrielt said...

I'm with Jenn I've never done anything for someone to loose trust in me. However, I've been hurt many times because I am so trustworthy. Believe me when I say I can hold a grudge!

Anonymous said...

The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. Maybe it was totally out of character for this person to lose your trust and this may be a "one of" exception. Maybe the "secrets" were to protect you from knowing more than you should so you wouldn't have to carry that burden and not a question of trust. Maybe your untrustworthy friend is temporarily insane and needs the benefit of the doubt? Ha! I charge by the hour!

Wendy M said...

Forgiveness after someone has broken your trust is one of the hardest things to learn to do, and in every case is usually different. In every case we must learn to somehow forgive completely if we want to live with our Father in Heaven again someday. Sometimes that is easy and sometimes it is asking everything of us, but there are ways to receive help in that process so we are not left to our own strength to do it.

I once had a Bishop counsel me that if there was anyone on this earth that I had hard feelings toward, I couldn't make it into the Celestial Kingdom because those feelings could not exist there. I have sought to somehow resolve those feelings ever since. It is something that gets easier with time and experience and the realization that if we want to be forgiven things, we must also forgive.

I guess it depends on the offense sometimes, that will determine how long and how much it takes, and also just how much you can trust again and how soon...

Does that make any sense? Do I sound perfect in this, because I certainly am not! But it is something I have a bit of experience with.