Thursday, April 16, 2009

Red's Funny Sarcasm

I have a friend who makes me laugh on a regular basis. I believe that such friends are the stuff that sanity is made of. Even when this friend is having a not so pleasant day, she has a way of making me laugh. The following is an e-mail she sent me, on St. Patrick's Day. I got permission to share it, though she thinks that I will be the only one to think it's funny. You will all have to let me know if it's just my warped sense of humor or if my friend is truly funny.

Here is what you need to know before reading this. Red has six children ranging from 16 to 5 years of age. Alice is the oldest and Holly the youngest. Mike is her husband. Names and places have been changed to protect the innocent.....or whatever.....

"Remember all the kind things I said about Alice? Yeah, scratch that! Mike went out to the garage last night and the car door was open. He told me to check everything in my purse. My ATM card was missing. Last night Alice asked if she could go get Boca burgers from the store. I said yes. When I realized my card was gone, I called her and asked if she'd seen it. "No," was her quick reply. She said she'd look through her stuff just in case. Mike called the bank and a $4 purchase had just been made at Leeker's. When Alice got home, I confronted her in the garage. She still said she hadn't seen it. After she could tell I was going to shove my fist through her lying teeth, she pulled my card out of her shirt! I asked her how many times she'd done that before and she said, "I don't know. Maybe once or twice." Ha! What a fricking liar! As Mike reviewed our statements, it turns out she's made quite a few purchases at 7-11, a place I never go, over the last 3 months or more. She's probably stolen hundreds of dollars. All the while, laughing to herself as I defended her as a good person over and over.
I called the police, made sure it wouldn't go on her record, and asked them to come scare the crap out of her. Gotta love the local P.D. He said, "I can do two things: come talk to her while you're there or come put handcuffs on her and talk to her in my patrol car. I prefer the tough way." Yeah, we voted for the latter. He came over, put handcuffs on her as she cried her little whiny-butt tears and took her to his car to talk with her about what a felony is. This was all around 12:30 a.m. Nice!
I hope she got the message. I never get fit-throwing mad, but I sure was last night. I threw a shoe at her. I wanted to beat her senseless with it! I would prefer a kid who was defiant to my face over a sneak and a liar- she knows that. It sucks to be played for a fool. Perfect timing for Mike to leave out of town for the week, too. He was trying to be the good cop (he's usually the butthead- totally hard-nosed with her), joking and stuff. He's lucky he didn't leave this morning having to pass through the metal detector with my shoe up his butt!
Lucky visited our house this morning but he wasn't happy about forcing a celebration to a house of contention. I think our Lucky is in the slammer because his replacement wasn't nearly as festive. He did put an L on all the kids' foreheads. Unfortunately, Alice's stood for liar. If you see flames at our house, don't worry. It's just Alice's pants on fire.
So, that's more than you wanted to know about our day. I'm dropping the kids at school and sleeping for awhile. Holly is dying to watch the new Spongebob--today's her lucky day! I know Alice will be O.K. in the end. She is a good person, but to be honest, I'd rather her be a skank than a liar. It's probably good parents don't get to choose their kids' faults. After seeing what serious trouble they can get into, I'd probably choose the package that includes no sense of humor, Chicklet teeth, a hyena laugh, a peg leg and an affinity for collecting scabs. While those things may put a damper on one's social life, at least they'd be honest. Grrr.. sometimes this parenting gig sucks big time! (Really, I'm not bitter either!)"

Just for the record, Red is an exceptional mother. Alice was not hit by a shoe.....Red's aim is bad. Alice has been making better decisions, Mike made it through airport security, lucky for him and as for Lucky the leprechaun.......well, I guess we will have to see if he shows up next year.

11 comments:

Nancy said...

Do you think the police will come for incessant whining?? I've failed to stop it, so maybe the police can scare it out of them? They only live across the street. It shouldn't be too much to ask.

Oh yah, and I loved her ideal "honest" kid traits -- scab collecting, chicklet teeth and the like. Swwweeet.

carrielt said...

OHMYGOSH That is so funny. I had to pass that on to my mom. I'm sure she felt that way about my sister sometimes too. When she was little she was the liar in our family. Mom would ask did you take my brush? Mildred would be standing in front of Mom with the brush and say no.

orangemily said...

Oh boy, funny but it just reminds me that one day I'm going to have 16-yr-old girls. What will I do!?!

Screwed Up Texan said...

Ha! That was perfect...when the police came to my home after dialling 911, I asked the police officer to give my kids a good lecture. So, what does he say? "Do you know what 911 is for? You call 911 when you need help." And then he stopped. I looked at him and then I looked at my kids and then I said, "Well, actually kids, 911 is for when you need help and mommy and daddy can't help you." The last thing I need is my kids calling 911 when they need help getting food out of the fridge. lol

Flea said...

Wow. Yeah, I can see some of the humor in that. But having a daughter who's nearly 16 and who lies, not so much. Brutal. I totally feel Red's pain.

Jen said...

That is awesome. Having a police officer friend comes in handy I see. Now where do I get one of those friends.

Jess said...

I was laughing so hard reading this!!....then I remembered....I have 4 Daughters and I'm sure I'll have problems with at least 3.
I just hope I can tell funny stories about it to get through it!!

Kara Thacker said...

That was funny!!! Poor Red! Lol! I tried the relative police officer to try and get my cheesy childs attitude in check once...hasn't stopped the attitude but other than the forever crying afterwards it was funny.

cat said...

Oh I think she is hilarious! Parenting is never easy. I think you'll like a post of mine that will come up in about 6 hours time.

klasieprof said...

Hi. Please encourage your friend that she did the right thing. I am a Former Parlole/Probation agent, and my coworkers and I used to say..that if just ONE time...someone was knocked off their high horse it would have helped them.
Good too that she checked to make sure it wouldn't go on record. Too many parents abdicate their parental duties to the Courts, Judges etc. NO body can parent your child but YOU.

Wow. This just brings up all sorts of stories. ...May have just given ME something to blog about!!

Donna in Mid Michigan
krisscop's house @ blogspot

Tash said...

ok I am dying this was amazingly funny and what would you do? OH man!! I am sure so many kids do that now adays and their parents don't know things are just easy now and different and our world is seriously warped. I love your friend. I am going to go catch up on her guest post. Sorry I have been seriously MIA lately. Hope you are doing well and I was wondering if you and Nancy and Perla want to come up to my house one day and meet face to face.